Emotional Erosion

 

“…Some of you will be so changed
by weathers and wanderings
that even your closest friends
will have to learn your features
as though for the first time…”

 

I’ve been revisiting this stanza from the poem, Passover Remembered (Bozarth, Alla) a lot lately.  I’ve been considering my experiences as a JV and how I am worried that I’ve shifted too much.  This is in the forefront of my mind this month especially as I prepare to be reunited with some college friends at Fairfield’s Alumni Weekend. 

When I examine how I am living my life today compared to how I envisioned my life as a senior in college there isn’t much overlap.  What sticks out to me in this stanza is the word weathers.  It took me back to 4^th grade, when I learned about weathering and erosion.  Initially when considering erosion in nature I come up with negative connotations surrounding destruction, but I have started to rationalize the necessity of the process and the beauty that can accompany the altered landscape.  While perusing the internet I found an article discussing the duo of river erosion and landslides’ role in maintaining some of the world’s most iconic mountain ranges.  This cycle is credited with maintaining mountains, but erosion itself proves the malleability of the Earth’s surface.  I think our minds, hearts, and thoughts are malleable like the Earth.  My one-year-plus of JVC has eroded the exterior layers of my metaphorical heart. 

And this makes me nervous, because it makes me think I feel too much now.   I am nervous because I am not sure what landscape my heart is taking.  I wonder how the men I work with will continue to erode the crust of my heart, and transform it into something unrecognizable.  I am the most nervous about not being recognized by myself and by my family and friends.  I am afraid of becoming a stranger in the lives of those I value from my past. 

There are these conflicting moments of dual clarity and confusion regarding my emotional and intellectual erosion.  As I walked home from the subway after work, I was thinking about the physical property of volume.  All of the sudden it hit me:  I can't remember how to solve for volume.  I was seriously shocked, and as I walked down Girard Avenue my mind was without an answer as it feverishly searched for a formula.  All I could think was, "Holy shit!  I've lost all of my knowledge and all I have are feelings!"  As I turned onto 18th Street I came up with a solution. 

D = m/v

Just manipulate that equation.  During that final stretch home, I gained a new appreciation for the saying, "if you don't use it you lose it."  I use my empathy regularly at Bethesda Project.  So I suppose that this consistent use of empathy and compassion are the two rivers that I feed, and are responsible for the erosion of my heart, and the reshaping of my life.   

 

 

This I Believe

I am grateful for technology.  I am thankful that while I am physically in Philadelphia I am able to have pieces of myself scattered throughout America.  I am grateful for funny people.  And for people who gently remind me to put God first through their own thoughts and actions.  I am grateful for snapchat.  

I saw my Twin Cities community the other day through a snapchat from my former PC who is in MN for his Fall area visit.  I saw the three of them together smiling at me through my phone, and I was reminded of how much I love them.  Upon seeing those three people, there was some unnecessary happy shouting.   

The Fall area visit for Philadelphia is in full swing, and last night was Spirituality Night in the Thomas Merton House.  We discussed beliefs.  I think the 6 of us melted a little while listening to this child’s list of 100 beliefs. 

http://www.npr.org/about/press/2009/011509.SevenYearOldTIB.html 

I've been keeping this in the back of my mind while at work today, and a few more thoughts popped into my head.  I believe in being present to the people I am with.  I believe that pieces of me are scattered across the country, tied up with the people I have come to appreciate and love.  I believe that sometimes all you can have with people are small moments through technology.  I am beginning to believe that technology may have some value for maintaining relationships, instead of being a distraction from the people I am with.  I believe this because I know I must have both feet on the ground in Philadelphia literally and metaphorically.  I believe people from my past experiences are important to keep with me.  As a result I've accepted the small sense of defeat  that has accompanied the reintroduction of my iPhone into my life.  I believe smartphones might not be as destructive as I previously thought.  However, I believe that people are capable of maintaining connections through more than just phones.  

I believe in the strength of letters.  I am certain I will continue to have circular, conflicting thoughts regarding my iPhone use.  I believe technology can be constructive.  But sometimes it's best to kick it old school.

Twin Cities:  keep checking your mail.