Extra Christmas

This December the Advent and Christmas season have been filled with more pain than I anticipated.  Without a doubt, the inhabitants of this planet feel a lot of psychological, emotional, and physical pain.  Delving into these topics on an intellectual level is disturbing, because it's pleasant and easy to trust that Justice is commonplace.  This December I’ve began to experience a whopping amount of grief regarding the deaths of marginalized populations, and it’s become much more personal and emotionally geared.   

Early this December a man on my caseload died.  It’s something I always knew to be a possibility working with the homeless, but receiving that email from the director of my shelter while waiting for a flight in the Chicago Midway airport really kicked my ass.  It stole my words, and I was left feeling completely blank and white washed.  It’s something I am still sorting out internally, and am so mixed up about I’m not sure where to begin. 

This December as I’ve been maintaining contact with co-workers at my previous job, I learned about the death of someone on site, as well as a slew of overdoses.  And I feel with my former co-workers; I feel their pain, shock, fear, and unsteadiness.  More than anything I wish I could be in St. Paul working with them, and supporting them in tangible ways, especially at a site that seems to be perpetually short staffed and walking the fine line of burn out.

Yesterday I received news that a former client of mine was murdered by another client in her apartment.  I felt so far away from the grief people were experiencing.  Again I just want to be in that place that truly needs extra hands, where people are hurting and feeling this loss.  If I’ve found one thing to be true, it’s that sitting with people in their suffering is crucial, and right now a whole group of people I have walked with is hurting in a very real and emotionally trying way.  I feel powerless. 

Right now the world at large and the world I interface with daily appear so incredibly dark and twisted.  What frightens me most is how hardened I feel, and how capable I am of allowing this to roll off me.  I want to give these events the emotional energy and prayer they deserve. I need some extra Christmas, because I need to focus on Hope in what feels like a very dark and sad place.  This is a heavy December, and I need some extra Hope to walk through it and effectively accompany the people in my life.